Learn to Love

She paints me blue...

Sat, 06 Aug 2011 14:08:51 -0500

I wish I didn’t know what this feels like…

Tonight I watch the lights go out in your house,

Wondering how I could get so deep,

And you could still get to sleep.

In vain, I blame my trembling on the cold air,

But I can’t hide that I’ve relied on you-

Like yellow does on blue.

amenfashion: How can you not love her?

Mon, 27 Jun 2011 23:23:59 -0500

amenfashion:

How can you not love her?

My own Post Secret...

Sun, 20 Mar 2011 22:27:49 -0500

I get jealous when I hear women talking about their pregnancies because I know I will never be able to experience it.

I still pray my gynecologist is wrong every day.

Homesick

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 16:16:31 -0500

Quick update.

I have been house sitting for a friend of the family (in the boonies) while they are on vacation in Alaska. Jealous.

They have satellite Internet, so this explains why I have been absent from the online realm lately. I’m at home right now for about an hour, so I’m trying to catch up on everything - Twitter, Facebook, Perez, email, etc. I didn’t realize how much time I actually spent on the Internet until I couldn’t spend so much time on it. It’s pathetic, but what else am I supposed to do with an empty bank account and the humidity so outrageous that going outside seems like torture?

After this gig is up, I’m house sitting for my brother and sister-in-law while they are at Lollapalooza. Again, JEALOUS! Did I mention they are VIP tickets to Lollapalooza? Jerks. But, they have super fast Internet. Silver lining.

Sorry this post was pointless and selfish. But I don’t have anything to blog about, and I feel disconnected.

Lady Liberation

Mon, 19 Jul 2010 13:32:15 -0500

I know I’m a huge slacker when it comes to blogging, but I promised myself I would blog about the Monster Ball. How can I put the best night of my life into words? The amount of fun I had is ridiculous, but it wasn’t just about the fun, or even the music. It was about the freedom. For some reason, the atmosphere of the night felt so different. Maybe it was because there were protestors at the doors, yelling hateful messages at anyone who had anything to do with that night. I’m actually kind of thankful the protestors were there, because it put Gaga in the best mood. She was so encouraging, and talked to her fans like we were her best friends. She poured nothing but love and unity into her Little Monsters, and it felt so right.

Towards the beginning of the show, she gave us the most liberating speech.

“So tonight, I want you to free yourself. I want you to let go of all your insecurities. I want you to reject anyone who has ever made you feel insecure, or like you didn’t belong. Or maybe you weren’t pretty enough, or thin enough. Or maybe you were gay and they didn’t understand. Tonight, I want you to remember that God designed each and every one of you to be a superstar, and you were born with it. I created the Monster Ball so my fans would have a place to go. Tonight, all the freaks are outside, and I locked the fucking doors! Tonight, and every night after, you can be whoever you want to be.”

I have never screamed so loud in my life. I have honestly never felt so free, and actually PROUD of who I am. I wish every night was the Monster Ball, so I could hear those words over and over again until the day I die. But now I have them. I have them here, and in my heart. A little piece of me died that night, but a more beautiful me was born. I left my insecurities at the foot of Gaga’s stage, and took home a deep love for myself, and pride in who I am. I danced with strangers, and sang so loud that I could only hear myself over the roaring crowd.

In the words of Gaga, “I’m a free bitch!”

And I have never felt better.

Color bursts in the sky, twinkling down into my eyes.

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 23:49:00 -0500

Day…? I don’t even know/care anymore. But it is 4th of July, my favorite holiday, and probably my favorite day of 2010 so far.

The fireworks display in the park was amazing. For such a sad little town, we put on a damn good fireworks show. I think every person in Ste. Gen was there tonight, which was really fun. I finally got to feel what small town pride is. It’s hard to explain, but I know I felt it.

While I was watching the fireworks, I kept thinking about where I used to be. I used to be the girl who would watch fireworks, hoping that someday I would have someone to watch them with. I always categorized fireworks into something romantic that should be shared between two people in love.

I have that now - but I realized my thinking was kind of skewed, and pretty pathetic. I looked over at my best friend, Kyla, and felt just as happy knowing she was sitting next to me as I felt about Stephen being there. I never needed a boyfriend to enjoy a holiday. I needed someone, anyone, to share it with.

I’m not that girl anymore. I’m not always hoping for something better. I’m happy with what I have now. I’m happy with who I am now. I’m simply happy.

I was in the middle of something great tonight. My two best friends. My town. My pride. My life.

And I wouldn’t change a thing.

There you are.

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 22:53:00 -0500

Day 6

Sorry I missed a Tumble! I was too busy working on my speech, and I promise there was nothing going on in Day 5 that was worth blogging about. But that’s over with, so now it’s back to business. Was the weather not gorgeous today? I didn’t get much of a chance to go outside, but Stephen and I played catch for a bit tonight. Safe to say I still suck at throwing a football, but I guess it’s the catching that counts. I’m so excited for Fourth of July weekend. I love everything about the Fourth. Fireworks. Bomb Pops. Barbeques. Friends. Family. Can’t wait!

Loving life right now. It feels like summer has been lost until today.

Happy thoughts and happy hopes to my loved ones.

Girls' Day

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 22:48:53 -0500

Day 4

Went out with Mom & Kyla today. We went to lunch at Bread Company, and shopped a bit. I realized it’s much easier to eat healthy when you have yummy options to choose from. I’m hoping I can recreate some of the sandwiches and salads off the Bread Company menu at home. I’m stressing out over a speech I have to give on Wednesday for my online Communications Between Cultures class. Hopefully after that’s over, I can focus more. I hate how stressed out I get over these speeches. It’s ridiculous. But I can do it.

I’m looking forward to a long work out tomorrow to help take the stress off from the speech. I’m thinking about walking down to Ste. Gen High’s track and doing a couple laps.

Welp, that’s all I have for today. I’m feeling sleepy, and boring.

Goodnight!

Glutton is my middle name.

Sun, 27 Jun 2010 22:36:00 -0500

Day 3

I really fucked it up today. Ate too much. Didn’t move enough.

Mom made grilled hot dogs and mac & cheese for dinner. I was doomed from the beginning. I’m starting to wonder if I will ever be able to eat normal portions of the things I love. I feel digusting. But it’s my fault, as usual.

I guess I’ll be kicking my ass in the heat tomorrow as punishment for my binge. All for that extra hot dog and serving of mac & cheese.

Was it worth it? Probably not.

Remember this day...(continued)

Sat, 26 Jun 2010 20:47:00 -0500

Day 2…still!

I was thinking while I was washing the lake water and sand out of my hair - “A day like this deserves two blog posts!” So, here it is.

Stephen and I drove out to St. Joe State Park today. I discovered St. Joe’s on Tuesday, and it’s already one of my favorite places. It’s beautiful out there, and the two big lakes with their huge sandy beaches almost makes it feel like living in Missouri is just as good as California. The water was perfect, which is the only reason Stephen would swim with me (his tiny body can’t handle the cold water - wish I had that problem). It wasn’t crowded either, which is another jack pot. He held me. Almost the whole time. I think being sappy is terribly annoying, and I try to refrain from talking about my relationship to others. But just this once, I want to be annoying. For the first time in a long time, I felt proud being seen in public with him - even in a swimmingsuit! I occasionally thought of what others might think of “the fat girl and skinny guy,” but those stupid thoughts never stayed in my mind long enough to make me care. There was something about that moment - my legs wrapped around his waist, and my arms around his neck. Staring into eachother’s eyes and making goofy faces. I felt comfortable, safe, and beautiful. I love those moments when we both know how happy we are.

To top everything off, I got a nice tan…and it doesn’t get much better than that.

Remember this day...

Sat, 26 Jun 2010 13:41:00 -0500

Day 2

Woke up this morning feeling refreshed, and good for a change. Kyla took me out on a bff date last night. It was really sweet. We went to dinner and saw Toy Story 3. Even though my group of close friends is small, I am so blessed to have them. I know I complain way too much about the shitty “friends” in my life, when I should really be appreciating the good ones.

Since honesty is the key for this blog - I’ll admit I slipped up a bit last night at dinner. Of course, out of all the places to eat in Arnold, we ended up at a Chinese buffet. But, today is a new day…and I’m making a new rule, NO MORE BUFFETS! Atleast for now. Even though I pigged out a little bit more than I should have yesterday, I did not pig out as much as I originally would, and I ate well the rest of the day. To me, that’s progress. Today, I ate oatmeal and cantaloupe for breakfast. It’s amazing how fresh produce can just make you feel better. I’m hoping to go swimming soon, or even for a long walk. I’m wondering if I can peel Stephen away from his Xbox long enough to do that with me. I love exercising with him. I love doing anything with him, really.

Most importantly, I FEEL GOOD TODAY! I have to remember that that’s what this is all about in the first place. Now I’m going to go enjoy this good day.

This is the start of something BEAUTIFUL.

Fri, 25 Jun 2010 10:59:00 -0500

Day 1

I created this blog not knowing what I would write about. My life is pretty boring at this point, so I was at a loss - until last night. Thanks to my supportive friend, Cassie, I have decided today is going to be the start of my new lifestyle - a HEALTHY lifestyle. I’m sick of being fat. It’s killing me. Physically and emotionally. I want to be healthy and fit for so many reasons, but one of the main reasons is that I want to learn how to love myself along the way. I battle with serious depression. Serious self-esteem issues. I can’t even watch a movie with my boyfriend without worrying that he’s looking at the women on the screen and wishing his girlfriend looked liked them. These thoughts invade my head constantly. They never stop. I have also developed an annoying anxiety disorder because of my weight. I can’t get a job, because I might have to tuck in my shirt, and everyone would have to see my disgusting gut. I can’t go to class, because I might have to sit infront of someone, and I’m so fat that they won’t be able to see the professor over me.

I HATE THIS LIFE! but most importantly, I hate myself.

I want to love myself. I want to be proud of who I am.

So this is the goal…

I start dieting - nothing major, just counting calories and forming a good exercise routine. I use this blog as my weight loss journal, and write in it daily.

I’m even giving myself a goal date, which could be a blessing or a curse. But by May 14, 2012 - I am going to be 135 pounds (140 at the most).

Why am I doing this? Because I am going to die if I don’t - and living a long, healthy life is more important to me than anything right now.

I am saying goodbye to my old life, and welcoming in a better one. Starting now.